Reflection #5 March 12, 2007
Authenticity

A number of years ago, daughter Jill introduced me to the words and music of Fred Small in a choral piece entitled “Everything Possible.” Small writes:

“Oh, you can be anybody you want to be, you can love whomever you will.
You can travel to any country where your heart leads and know that I will
love you still.
You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around, you can choose
one special one.
And the only measure of your words and your deeds,
will be the love you leave behind when you’re done.

There are girls who grow up strong and bold,
There are boys quiet and kind.
Some race ahead, some follow behind, some go in their own way and time.
Some women love women, some men love men,
Some raise children, some never do.
You can dream all the day never reaching the end of everything possible for you.”


I. Who Am I?

Some time ago, in a fit of anger, anguish and self-reflection, I wrote:

“I like mashed potatoes and gravy.
I don’t like having more cracks in our concrete driveway.
I like the deep colors of our fall mums. I prefer eggs over easy.
I’m glad that I graduated from Manchester College .
Taking CPE (chaplaincy training) in my late fifties was wonderful.
I love golden Aspen leaves in October in Colorado .
I take my turn cleaning the bathrooms.
I try to do my taxes honestly.
I like my jeans when they are freshly laundered.
My handwriting is dreadful, especially compared to my father’s artistic penmanship.
I sometimes eat too much of the wrong stuff.
I laugh at “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?”
As I get older my singing voice wobbles more.
I’m pretty normal, right? So why am I identified as abnormal and sinful by some? Am I really that different? Who has the right to vilify? What are they afraid of?”


II. There Is Only Authenticity

At a recent Brethren Mennonite Council Board meeting, one of our board members, Glenn Kauffman, said, “We are all different. There is no norm. There is only authenticity.” He added, as we talked about BMC and folks in churches trying to keep the church from splitting and making decisions so as not to create waves, “authenticity over unity.”

Glenn is right. There is no norm. Being normal is okay, but only if it is understood that part of being normal is recognizing how different each one of us is.

One of the most difficult daily tasks for me, as a gay man in the church and in the culture, is to recognize my own homophobia. I have been taught by culture and church (not by my parents) to hate myself. I have been indirectly taunted because I am not only “indisputably” different but also sinful, immoral (is that redundant?), illegal, and mentally off-balance.

I have been angry with the church and its deeply biased and marred teachings, and its incredulous and diabolical indifference to gays and lesbians through inaction and unjust decision making. While, on one hand, through articles and ads in Messenger and sermons at Annual Conference, the church celebrates diversity and justice and “all are welcome,” it often, on the other hand, slams the door shut. (Can you imagine how angry and sad one becomes when the language is all for openness and celebration, but the action is clearly closed?) And the door is closed, to name a few items, because of economics, biblical interpretation, beliefs, and fear of conservative reprisals. It seems that it is okay to be very clear about Iraq , but very unclear about the injustice of the treatment of glbt persons.

And I have been angry with myself; for not speaking up; for not even wisely understanding when I am being excluded. For instance, why have I put up with the congregation and the church time and time again “voting” on whether or not I am acceptable? My learning these days is to be, as much as possible, authentic.


Conclusion

I appreciated the article by Larry Brumfield in the “Reflections” section of the recent March 2007 Messenger.

Brumfield wrote, “One of the most seemingly innocent but false statements perpetrated on the American public and particularly church folk, is that “God doesn’t see color.”…” Color does not matter to God; God loves us all.” Brumfield continues, “The truth is God not only sees it, God made it. This is awesome. The same God who didn’t fill the ocean with all blue fish, the same God who didn’t fill the jungle with all white flowers is the same God that made many nations of different people. God not only sees color, he loves it. God loves the variety, the changes, the cultures.”

The article reminded me of my own uniqueness. I am, among a thousand other attributes, gay. And I believe the same truth that Brumfield believes, though I do not, of course, assume that he agrees with me. When it comes to being gay or lesbian, the truth is that God not only sees my uniqueness, but God made me. I celebrate the whole person that I am, and that God loves.

One day, I believe, the majority of the people of God will realize that being gay or lesbian is not a sin or a mental illness or a crime. ---

- Ralph McFadden