Reflection #1 November 6, 2006

ON “COMING OUT”

A number of years ago I attended a conference in Breckenridge, Colorado. Two of the speakers shared the presentation and talked about three phases of “coming out.” It was noted that the “phases” overlap each other and are interwoven with each other. It was also noted that one moves back and forth through the different arenas – sometimes focusing on one phase and sometimes focusing on another.

Their approach has been helpful to me for years – and I hope, for the straights and gays that receive this reflection, helpful for you.

Personal

The struggle for anyone of us seems to be – how do I understand my own sexuality? For me the inner struggle has taken years. At times I still feel that in regard to myself – and others – I am homophobic. Straights and gays need self-awareness. My discomfort with myself comes up regularly.

I cannot speak for each of you. For instance, it is clear, is it not, that our theological perceptions, social attitudes and beliefs systems must always be understood in terms of our own psychological, emotional and spiritual needs and desires. The foregone sentence could be said in many ways. Our personalities are complex. We must try to understand our biases and prejudices. Homophobia is not someone else’s problem.

Private

When I was struggling with this personal journey I found that it was very helpful to talk, on occasion, with family and friends. That too was a slow process. I recall one day that I talked with Chuck Boyer. He listened. And because he listened I grew stronger emotionally. I found that I loved and accepted myself just a little more because I was willing to share with him – and he listened. And then I could share with others.

Straight and gay – we find that we become more courageous when we share with family and friends our insights and thoughts. Sometimes – yes, even for straight folks – it is difficult, for instance, at a family gathering to let them know that you support gays or lesbians having a union service. Yes, I know, at family reunions we don’t talk religion or politics. But think about it. Our families and friends can grow in wisdom and knowledge if they know what we are thinking and feeling.

I had numerous illustration when working with Hospice of Metro Denver of parents struggling with how to tell their families that their son was gay and had aids. Perhaps it would not be accepted by their families, but they, as parents, grew in strength and insight when they could share.

Public

Now this is the difficult one, isn’t it? When do I let “the public” know that I am gay? Even writing this reflection is yet another public coming out. I recently had a job with Hospice of Northeastern Illinois. I worked with a half dozen chaplains. There was an appropriate time when I “came out” to them. Was it difficult for me? A little. I wondered: would I lose my job or lose respect with the team of nurses, aids, social workers and office staff? Perhaps. But I have realized that a public coming out is easier and easier. And each time I tell the truth publicly it is good not only for those who hear but also for me.

And how about you? I could give numerous accounts of gays or lesbians who have confided to me and to each other of how tired they are of straight people privately saying how much they support gays or lesbians, but are unwilling to be public about their support.

I would like to suggest that you consider, in the public forum, how you can be more supportive. At work, in a letter to the newspaper, at a rally or fundraiser for a gay organization – please consider being public. It is has been quoted often…”Silence toward injustice is another injustice.”

Well, that’s enough for now.

Ralph McFadden